#11 Behaviour is a Curriculum
Why Unconditional Positive Regard Works
Let’s get this out of the way early:
Unconditional positive regard is not “woke.”
It’s not liberal fluff.
It’s not about letting kids “get away with it.”
It’s not about throwing structure out the window and hoping the vibe carries us.
What it is about—what it has always been about—is meeting children where they are, understanding what’s driving their behaviour, and working with them to get them where they need to be.
It’s about clarity. Consistency. Boundaries that everyone understands.
And yes—deep, unshakable respect for children as human beings.
Because, in the words of Paul Dix: “When the adults change, everything changes.”
And I can tell you, after years of leading schools with this approach at the centre, he’s absolutely right.
What Behaviour Really Is
Behaviour isn’t separate from learning.
Behaviour is learning.
It’s communication.
It’s the surface layer of something much deeper.
Children don’t act out for no reason. They don’t disrupt lessons because they’re “naughty.” That word should’ve been buried with the blackboard rubber.
They behave because:
They’re overwhelmed.
They’re under-stimulated.
They’re afraid.
They’re copying someone.
They want connection.
They want control.
You can only address behaviour if you understand it.
And when you really understand it—not excuse it, not justify it, but see it clearly—you can do the real work: helping children learn to regulate, reflect, and recover.
Calm Is Contagious
One of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned as a leader?
Adults set the weather.
When we are calm, consistent and predictable, children begin to feel safe.
When we are fair and transparent, children begin to trust.
When we treat behaviour as a teachable moment, not a punishable offence, children start to grow.
In our school, we’ve built a calm and purposeful environment where there is:
Laughter in classrooms
Reflective conversations in classrooms
Restorative work in playgrounds
And, yes, still boundaries — strong, clear ones — but they’re not based on rigid rulebooks.
We don’t have a list of school rules.
We don’t need them.
Why?
Because when the culture is relational, and the expectations are lived—not laminated—the children know when a line has been crossed.
Not because they broke rule #4b.
Because they’ve harmed someone.
Because they’ve broken trust.
Because they’ve let themselves down.
This Doesn’t Mean There’s No Consequence
Let me be clear:
Children do transgress.
They shout, they argue, they walk out, they lash out.
Sometimes the behaviour is big. Sometimes it’s heartbreaking.
But we don’t treat those moments as “bad behaviour.”
We treat them as opportunities.
Opportunities to:
Teach self-awareness
Build empathy
Strengthen relationships
Equip them with real-life conflict resolution tools
We don’t shame. We don’t humiliate.
We talk. We listen. We repair.
We help the child understand themselves—and others—better.
Because one day, that child will be an adult in a workplace, in a relationship, in a community. And what they learn now will shape the kind of adult they become.
Behaviour is the curriculum that prepares children for life.
Why Consistency Matters More Than Consequences
Paul Dix writes persuasively about the power of consistency over punishment. And it’s true:
Children don’t need adults who escalate. They need adults who anchor.
In our school, the adults take responsibility for their own behaviour too.
We don’t shout.
We don’t get personal.
We don’t make children feel small to feel in control.
We model emotional regulation. We apologise when we mess up.
We show them what respectful authority looks like.
And you know what? It works.
Because in a school where adults are open, reflective and emotionally intelligent, children are more likely to become the same.
Emotional Safety First
Learning is an emotional process.
You can’t learn if you don’t feel safe.
You can’t concentrate if you’re in survival mode.
You can’t reflect if you feel attacked.
That’s why, before anything else, we focus on creating a climate of emotional safety.
In that climate, children:
Flourish academically
Take more risks with their learning
Admit mistakes
Ask for help
Develop resilience and regulation
In other words: they don’t just behave better. They learn better.
So Why Are People Still Suspicious of This?
Let’s be honest: unconditional positive regard can sound fluffy if you’ve never seen it in action.
It challenges the old-school “command and control” approach that many adults were raised with.
It asks a lot from staff: emotional labour, deep empathy, and endless consistency.
And sometimes, it feels like hard graft.
But here’s the truth: the other way might feel easier (stick to the rulebook, punish the behaviour, move on), but it just kicks the problem down the road.
This approach? It transforms lives.
Questions Worth Asking
If you’re curious, cautious, or somewhere in between, ask yourself:
What’s the purpose of our behaviour policy — to control or to teach?
Are we modelling the emotional regulation we want to see?
Do our responses to behaviour build trust or break it?
Can our children reflect on their own behaviour without fear?
Are we preparing them for school… or for life?
What You’ll See in Our School
In our school, you’ll see:
Adults standing with children, not against them
Conversations, not confrontations
Children who reflect, repair and grow
Calm classrooms, warm greetings, and shared humour
Adults who own their influence and use it with care
And you’ll see children who are learning not just how to behave in school… but how to live with integrity, empathy, and confidence.
That’s not soft.
That’s not liberal.
That’s powerful.
Let’s Keep Talking
I believe this work is too important to stay inside one school.
We need to share, reflect, challenge and grow together.
So I’m inviting you into the conversation:
What approach to behaviour do you use in your school?
How do you support emotional safety without losing high expectations?
What restorative practices have made a difference for your pupils?
Drop a comment. Share this post. Subscribe if you believe, like I do, that schools can be calm, joyful, and full of real learning—even when it’s hard.
Because behaviour isn’t just something to manage.
It’s something to teach.
And it’s the teaching that will matter most, long after the end of the school day
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